Party Like It’s 1964: The Tory Endgame

Photo by Patrick Feller

There really is a lot to be excited about following the election of a Tory majority to Westminster last week. We’ll all soon share an email inbox with our pal Theresa, and, as taxpayers, we will no longer have to support the disabled or those struggling on poverty wages or zero-hour contracts. Big international corporations can finally shred red tape around concerns of public health or environmental impact and sue us for their God-given right to profit when TTIP is finally signed. It’s also rather exciting to try to guess where the £12 billion in cuts is actually going to happen. Or is it £20 billion? There’s that other pesky £8 billion which has to come from somewhere, right? Actually, who cares!? Fox hunting: Aaoooo!

But it seems that in the raucous confusion of our weekend celebrations sacrificing poor, disabled, foreign babies at makeshift shrines to Cameron, May, Osborne, Gove and Smith, something else rather exciting may have slipped right under our collective noses.

[SPOILER ALERT]

Now I know our Westminster friends are probably trying to keep this one as a surprise for later in their term, but it’s more likely that they just don’t want us to get all over-excited as there are still a couple of things that need to get done first: (1) Scrapping those pesky human rights and (2) withdrawing from the EU and the European Convention on Human Rights. But with Michael leading the charge, it really is only a matter of time before we start doling out capital punishment again because, really, as Michael said, it was “wrong to abolish hanging”.

In fact this is likely to kill multiple birds with one stone in terms of helping to deliver on the other rather wonderful Tory manifesto promises. For one, the ever-increasing (and annoying) poor population will be unable to afford legal representation with further cuts to legal aid. So if we hang those, we simultaneously cut benefit handouts: Win-win! Hanging will also help in hitting net migration targets, and if they’re foreign, double-win!

And when we redraw the constituency lines, we won’t have to worry about some two-bit trade-unionist, nuclear nay-sayer trying to stop us.