May consumes child of GBBO winner, Corbyn blamed

A selection of UK government cabinet members today visited Welford Park to meet and congratulate the contestants and winner of this year’s Great British Bake Off. Home Secretary, Theresa May, seeming to struggle more than usual manoeuvring in her aging human skin suit, immediately devoured Nadiya Hussain’s child when the winner of this year’s competition presented her youngest to the Home Secretary. Apparently compelled by her recently rejigged and customised British-values-atron to gratefully accept the first thing offered to her, May then thanked the distraught Hussain, mistaking her despair for deference, before withdrawing to her waiting car, allegedly thrilled that her wrist band tracker had vibrated to indicate that net migration to the UK had decreased by one.

The Hussain family were too distressed to make a statement, but Bake Off judge, Mary Berry, managed to compose herself enough to express her dismay at what she described as a tragic turn off events. “I simply cannot explain what I have just witnessed. Nadiya had baked her winning lemon drizzle cake to present to the Home Secretary, but first wanted to introduce her youngest daughter…”.

Prime Minister, David Cameron, who also attended the event, was allegedly visiting Welford’s livestock when the incident took place and could not be reached for comment.

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has condemned the tragedy and May’s actions, expressing his profound grief for Hussain and her family.

Upon reaching out to the government for comment, Chancellor George Osborne said that this was proof, once again, of Corbyn’s hate for Britain, and that this display of sympathy for Hussain was “further evidence that Corbyn and Labour are a threat to the British people and national security.”

Photo by UK Home Office